“I was incapable of love.”
She’s not depressed like how people think she is. No, she doesn’t even know what’s on her mind. Her capability to feel, to be alive. She barely manages her emotions. Living on the thin ice, trying to figure out who she is.
It started when she first fell in love, or it’s how she wants to remember. At fifteen, she meets a boy. A beautiful and quiet boy. She built up her feelings gradually. But it fell so hard. She fell hard. Hard, dark, and dangerous. Greed consumes her. Admiration turns into like. Like turns into love. And love turns into obsession. That’s how she lives on. Too young to feel those emotions, she lets those control her mind.
The girl then meets her ending, eventually. Because she never knows how cruel the world is. Her world starts to crumble. The friend that she believes will always in her side, takes advantage of her stupidity. By the time she has grown conscious, she lost her best friend, her first love, and herself.
After that, day by day for her is just a disaster.
“Anything I would never want to lose is always lost. It is a given that everything that is worth wanting will be lost the moment I obtain it. There’s nothing worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging a life of suffering.” –Osamu Dazai, Bungou Stray Dogs.
Losing everything she loves the most gradually, she starts questioning her humanity. And then she starts not caring about anyone other than herself.
She rarely feels emotions, her heart feels numb, and her body feels aches everywhere. It’s almost hard to breathe. It was funny that she tries nevertheless. She tries to be human, back to being a human, at least.
But that doesn’t mean she loves herself or her life again. She sees the world with longing. With a very strong sense of yearning. Like a lost child who feels homesick.
After a very strong sense of desire, she instilled within herself, she starts accepting herself. The acceptance she consumes will be with her as long as she breathes.
One, she knows she is incapable of love.
She accepts that she wasn’t born for love. For her, love is just a forbidden fruit that she doesn’t dare to wish for. She trusts, and she’s loyal, but not for love. It’s not because she is inhumane but because love is too much for her. That very strong emotion was hard for her to accept. And because once she starts to love someone, to love something, they will disappear. And losing someone, something, precious is hurting her. She hates pain.
Two, humans are very volatile creatures.
It started from betrayal after betrayal. Lies, hypocrisy, envy, and greed. She saw with her own eyes how humans killed each other, pushed each other away, for anything that wasn’t worth that much. For destroying the red threads that bind people. She saw how easily humans get distracted by something shiny. Blinded by greediness. But she knew this is how the world works. She knew how desperately human wants to stay alive even tho they get rid of people who are dear to them. Even tho she knew, it was still too much for her to endure. The smell of those rats it’s too much for her to bear. That’s why she drew the line, she built a thick wall around her. Enchanting or not, she refuses to accept others to get in her space. And that’s fine because she thinks, everything will pass. Everyone will walk on different paths. She already dealt with those. And that she will stay alone. Stand alone with her feet without someone or something that she can lean on.
And the last one is, she accepts that death is much harder than living.
Heaven, hell. No matter where she will be placed, things like this are too difficult for her. The desire to unalive herself is much but she never once tried that. She learns the easy method that can make her die without too much pain, but she never does that. It’s not about loving her life. But it’s because death is a complex thing for her. Like a puzzle. She has to paste the scattered pieces one by one. And it annoys her.
Day by day, as she grows old, she doesn’t gain anything but acceptance. More acceptance of her life, of herself. And that was okay too. Because the point is, she tries. She always did.
Because she is just a sad song with nothing much to say. About a long winter waiting for the sun to come.
